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Well, since my last blog, Missing TN, Winter has passed, Spring has come and now Summer is here along with the fact that I am still here in Ohio. I have tried to fit in, I suppose I am still in TN though in my mind, for all of this life here has seemed so temporary, so stagnant, so much like Purgatory. In order to make peace with my life here, my husband and I decided to purchase a horse here to board and ride whenever I could. (This was hopefully to assuage my desires of going back to TN.) So, I found a beautiful 8 yr old Dun Qtr Horse, dorsal stripe, star and a snip, big brown, soft eyes, ahhhh, my heart pounded when I laid eyes on him. Big, round, nice bootie, wide full chest, muscled shoulders...my dream boy, right there in front of me. I lunged him and he seemed to be in tune to me immediately, so eager to please, actually a little too eager! He kept turning into me with ears straight up, big ole eyes with love staring at me, slow walk in with head bowed...yeah, he knew the routine! He seemed irritated when I would shoo him on, but he would leave and after a few more turns and a few more rounds, I called to him and he was there so willingly. He followed me around, stood as I fly sprayed, brushed, bridled, saddled and lunged some more. The perfect horse. Before I ever rode him, I knew he would be mine. I bought him, trailered him a few hours home and unloaded the sweetest, gentlest animal God could have ever set down on this Earth...just for me. The name "Reinee" kept screaming at me, a name I have loved the moment I heard it and this horse was my "Reinee." This horse gave me so much instantly, just leaning into his warm shoulder and smelling that wonderful horsey smell, rubbing my hands over his beautifully muscled body, this horse gave me "me" back. "Reinee", my reprieve. Once at the stable, I decided since I knew so little of this fellow, that I would get the owner of the stable, Mark, (who is a trainer and natural horsemanship devotee) to evaluate him before I actually just rode off into the sunset. Two hours of ground work, Reinee seemed to pass the skills with 5 stars!! I was so proud and oh my mercy! I can't even explain the joy that flew through my heart watching him move...absolute Heaven in motion. We decided to end the day on a good note and work on him a few days later. I was so excited to make the next class, this is when I felt sure I would ride him. The following week, we met again to work with Reinee. Mark, put him through the lunge for respect dance, checking where his head was this day, and once again, my boy was such a blessing. Mark was pleased and this is when I mounted my heart's desire and rode with such pride and confidence...just a short ride in the round pen to end up such a beautiful day. I was so completely overwhelmed with excitement, love and I actually felt that this...being with my horse and being in complete partnership with him, would get me through my time away from my other horses, my mountains, my TN, my family, my home. He gave me so much just being him. July 6th, was a Tuesday and exactly 4 days following the two, 2 hour evaluations of Reinee. My 10 yr old Haley and I decided to go to the stable, clean up our boy, spend some time with him and take my first real ride on my own. I felt so confident, I felt as if I knew exactly what to expect, I thought I knew everything I should know to ride him alone. After lunging Reinee, to work out the willies on him and me, I handed my cell to my daughter and said "if anything happens, call your daddy." She was like "why not 911?" and I laughed and said "because I don't know the address and I don't think I'll need any ambulance, silly!" I walked over to a very steady, still, calm, Reinee. I mounted him...carelessly. I was so sure of his calm, so sure of his quiet, I didn't even have the reins in my hand. I mounted, sat in the seat and the next thing I knew, my horse was someone else. This horse bolted forward, arched his back, put his nose between his knees and began a buck that would match a rodeo horse at his finest hour. I did not have the reins in my hands and so therefore, my only hope was to hold onto the horn, latch onto the seat and try to ride it out. After what seemed like an eternity and knowing that I did not have the ability to ride him out, my muscles, my body, my mind, they all gave up and I flew off of him face first into the round pen where I flipped onto my back and Reinee bounced off of my chest with his rear hooves. I could hear my daughter screaming at me to get out, so I somehow crawled under the round pen where I passed out. I woke up in St.E's hospital, trauma unit, where my husband was holding my hand and I could see that he was extremely scared, which in turn, horrified me. The doctors came in and sent me on numerous rounds of xrays, CAT scans, etc. In the end, my jaw was crushed, my skull was fractured, I had 8 broken bones in my hand and 2 broken ribs. The following week in the hospital after facial reconstruction on my jaw,I stayed on an endless supply of morphine. I heard so many things, but the one thing that stayed in my mind was my husband vowing "If you ever plant your butt on another horse...I am gone. You can have them, you can love them, you can feed them, because I know your love for them, but I promise you, I will not worry whether you are alive or dead because you sat on a horse." My response was "I am done." Reinee, my heartbreak. Well, a month has passed, my ribs are healed, I am typing here with a cast on my hand which makes typing this excruciating. My jaw is still wired shut, I have plates in my chin which, by the way, no longer looks like my chin, a trait I shared with so many in my family. I have lost 22 pounds (yippie caillou!) and here I am once again, typing out my pain to all of you out there in cyber space. I find myself looking at horses, and the love is seeping back in, I have to do this quietly and secretly, so I don't hurt my husband. Reinee, stands at the stable, unaware of the lives he's changed. I stare at pictures of him, where once I felt fear, I am remembering why I fell in love with him. I replay the event over and over in my head, all to no avail, I will probably never know why this happened. But yesterday is gone, you can't change it, but you can learn from it. Tomorrow is yet to be explored. I do know with no uncertainty, that I should have been prepared, I should have been more aware and I should have never mounted without my hands on the reins. One pull on one rein would have turned his head, disengaged his hip and he would not have been able to blow up! Reinee looked to me for an answer and I wasn't there for him. I know that my body is healing, and slowly, (just my being on this website proves it) my mind is healing as well. I can't imagine my life without horses. Hopefully, this will all become settled and my world will become balanced again.